Stress is one of the most common reasons behind many illnesses.  If stress didn’t cause it, stress can certainly make it worse.  How does stress impact infertility? 

Consider these questions:

• If you are feeling stressed, how “in the mood” are you to make love and create a baby? 
• If you are feeling stressed, how well is your body functioning?
• If you are stressed and your body is functioning on “flight or flight” mode, how can it focus on a baby?

Consider how you feel when you are stressed.  Can you sleep well? Do you eat well? How well do you perform on a test with and without stress?  How can you expect your body to do everything it needs to make a baby while it is under stress? 

Getting involved in couples therapy may help reduce the stress in your relationship, improve the connection in your relationship and allow your body to function the way it was made to function.  Let your doctor figure out the hormones, the time tables for when to try, you can focus on making sure your body is in as good of shape (mentally, emotionally) as possible for the results you want to be more likely.  

I am not trying to say that if you go to couples therapy, you will get pregnant. I am trying to say that you can provide as positive of an environment as possible for that pregnancy to happen.

Marriage is difficult enough.  Add children to the mix, and PRESTO..it gets ugly.  Many parents give so much dedication to work and children that they forget about themselves and their relationships.  There are things that you can do to improve your relationship without neglecting your children.

1.  Have a date night 1-4 times per month away from the children.  When I say “away” from the children, I also mean do not talk about them on your date.
2. Get a life!!! Have your own alone time away from everyone in your family.  Many people believe that 1 +1=1 in a relationship.  This is not so.  You are still an individual within your family unit and need time to foster your own individuality.  Get out of the house.  This could be for an hour, a day or a weekend here or there.  Make a plan for when each of you will have time away from the family and alternate times alone.
3. Have daily check-ins.  Ask your partner: “On a scale of 1-10, how connected do you feel to me today?  How can we improve that score?”
4. Do not argue about the children in front of the children.  This is an automatic relationship no-no.  This will cause a “good parent” and “bad parent” mentality in your children and will cause resentment in at least one of the parents.  
5. Do not veto the other parent’s decision (unless it is for safety reasons).  This will also cause the “good parent” and “bad parent” mentality in your children and will hurt your relationship more than it will “feel good” to be the nice parent.

Many people believe that once there is a loss of trust, loss of communication, or a loss of passion, that the relationship is over.  This is not necessarily true.  Relationships take work; hard work at that.  There are simple things that you can do with your partner to help things along. 

1. Say more positive than negative.   Non-verbal communication is approximately 75% of the communication you relay to someone.  If you say “I love you” or “thank you” in a sarcastic tone, for example, it takes away the entire meaning of the words.  If you roll your eyes, grunt, turn away, count that as another negative.  In a relationship, your positives should outweigh your negatives 20 to 1. 
2. Look at your partner in the eyes when you want them to listen.  Many relationships fail because one person (or both) does not feel heard by the other person.  Most people don’t need to have you agree with them, they just want you to understand them or acknowledge what they think.
3. Touch one another when you are in a disagreement or argument.  Unless there is some type of violence in the relationship, touch symbolizes a connection.  It gives off the message: “I might not agree with you, but I am here with you and listening to what you have to say because I care”.
4. Repeat back what you heard the other person say.  If you feel that you are not being heard, perhaps the other person feels the same way.  When someone seems frustrated with you, repeat what they told you and ask if you got it right.  Often times, in an argument, we spend so much time preparing our defense or attack that we don’t listen.  We are just waiting for our partner to take a breath so we can attack with our words or our defense.  LISTEN and perhaps your partner will return the gesture.  
5. Spend at least 1 night per week doing something intimate.  It does not have to be sex.  Spend time giving each other a massage, playing cards by candle light, or taking a bath together.

Having children can complicate matters, and it is much more difficult to find time to do the above suggestions.  Even though it is much harder to find the time, it is that much more important to do so.  Many times, kids suck the life out of a relationship.  It feels like a tag team parenting tournament rather than a marriage.  For more information on strengthening a relationship when children are involved, go to “5 Tips: Help Our Relationship Survive Our Children”.

Increasing the intimacy with your partner isn’t always related to sex.  Underlying many intimacy issues is a fractured foundation, caused by anger, frustration, trust issues and communication problems. 

Many people come in asking me: “we came in to improve our sex life, why are you talking about our communication”.  Sex is all about communicating.  If you don’t know what your partner likes in bed, then they are going to be less likely to enjoy having sex with you. 

It starts with communication.  If your partner doesn’t feel comfortable talking to you about finances, how will they feel comfortable talking about what they like in bed.  For more information about communication within your relationship, check out my article: Improving The Communication Within Your Relationship.

I have worked with many people (adults and children) throughout the years who have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.  Most people know it as “an attention problem”, but don’t know much else about it, other than it causes them much frustration in their lives.  Some people find an easy fix with medication while many others either do not feel right taking medication because of the side effects or have tried medication to no avail. 

There are many behavioral approaches to treating attention problems.  The first step is to make sure that it is truly an attention problem.  Many people who are diagnosed with attention problems actually have anxiety or other disorders that show up as attention problems.  Treating the CORRECT underlying issue is often the key. 

As with any other problem, it is always best to consult with your medical doctor first to make sure that there is no underlying medical issue to your problem.

Whether or not you are out with your parents, friends, or at work; having your therapist understand the issues that are unique to you is important.  You should not ever feel uncomfortable talking (about relationship issues, sex, having children) while you are meeting with your therapist. 

If your therapist is uninformed, it is not your job to inform them.

Often, the reason people in the LGBTQ population don’t get help or get better is because they don’t fully trust that their therapist accepts them; clients don’t need tolerance from a therapist, they need acceptance. 

Ways to look for a truly LGBTQ friendly therapist:  look for symbols of equality on their website (HRC symbol, pink triangle, etc), look for symbols of equality in their office (magazines your therapist has in their office can be a big clue); if all else fails, ASK.  It is often uncomfortable, but ignorance is not your problem, it is theirs.

People with anxiety often report various symptoms ranging from having difficulty concentrating, being afraid to do things they used to do, having headaches, sweating a lot, having hypertension, fatigue, heart palpitations, and sexual dysfunction. 

Often, people with anxiety have limited support because they are embarrassed or just too afraid to talk to someone.  Talking about the fears and anxiety with a qualified professional can often reduce symptoms and get you on the way to feeling better.  Although early intervention is beneficial, it is never too late to get help.

It is always recommended to see your doctor first to make sure there are no medical reasons for the symptoms.

Feeling sad, withdrawn, irritable, and tired (or having insomnia) is not a fun feeling to have, yet more people than you think suffer from these symptoms on a daily basis.  Mind over matter is too simple and antidepressants alone don’t always help.   So where do you go from there?  

I believe in an eclectic approach to help people through;  Looking at the past to find out where the depression stems from while taking steps to address current symptoms which can be affecting relationships with friends, family, and at work. 

This is not an issue to go about fighting alone.  Getting help from a therapist (or other qualified professional) that you feel comfortable with can be a key to your happiness.  If therapy is the step that you feel is the best one to take, find a therapist who can meet your needs.  If you are not able to get motivated to see a therapist at their office, find an online therapist. 

As with any other problem, it is always best to consult with your medical doctor first to make sure that there is no underlying medical issue to your problem.

About half of the people who come into therapy at my office come in because of communication issues within their relationship.  The typical story involves a foundation that was built on poor communication skills.  The communication skills are the basis for a relationship to be healthy.  When communication is not there, often the intimacy is lacking and happiness is lost.  People often look outside of the relationship for these things and the relationship goes into a downward spiral from there.

My goal is to first work on the foundation of the relationship.  I teach communication skills to couples that allow them to take on issues TOGETHER, from the most basic issues (what are we going to eat tonight) to more complex issues (are we going to have children).  It doesn’t matter where your communication skills came from, they are there and they need to be worked on.

One thing you can do to begin this process is to repeat back what you hear the other person saying.  Often times when we are in a fight, all we hear is the first 10 words of what the other person is saying and then we plan our defense.  If your partner thinks that you are actually listening to them, the tension usually decreases and the defenses start to come down and the communication process begins.